Along with friends, I am participating in a writing challenge over at Frankie’s Wining Room. Each piece is intended to stand alone, but if you (like me) enjoy seeing the chronological progression of things in writing, I recommend you read them in order. This is the second piece of flash fiction for Week 2. Week 1, Excerpt 1, is located in Illness, Achievements, and Challenges. Enjoy!
Photo owned and copyrighted by Katie Johnson. Photo credit: https://katierenejohnson.com/
“Mr. Cranston? Excuse me, Mr. Cranston!”
What feels like bands of iron tighten around my chest as searing pain slices through me from my side. I double over, gasping for air. I know the worst possible thing I could do at this moment is to stop moving, but I need to catch my breath so I can stay on my feet. Recovering slightly, I push myself forward once again, in a vain attempt to catch up to my next-door neighbor.
I have no idea what age Mr. Cranston is. He is undoubtedly older than I am, and my age is far more advanced than I like to admit. But boy, can he move! Whenever I reach whatever age he is, I would sure like to be able to walk down the street as quickly as he does.
My toe catches on something, and my center of balance lurches forward for a moment. My heart rises into my throat, then settles into its normal spot as I regain my equilibrium. What a relief. The last thing I need added to my caseload is a lawsuit against the Public Works Department. Not that it would personally do me much good, but at least it might encourage the city to finally repair some sidewalks.
I helplessly glance at Mr. Cranston’s retreating backside. It doesn’t look like I will be able to catch up with him this time. The iron bands around my chest tighten once again and I give up, fishing in my pocket for an inhaler. Rats. Looks like I left it behind again. Time to head home.
Now it’s your turn. Leave a comment or send me a message to give feedback. Check out the writing challenge for yourself if you are curious to see how different individuals have approached the same material, or if you would also like to participate.
Until the next time…
Corrie Lavina Knight Editing Services 
Good job with the physical sensations! You can tell the individual is asthmatic and is probably not going to catch up. Since he has a case load, he’s either a social worker, a probation officer… or a lawyer.
With the first line, is he/she trying to shout but can’t? Is he really far behind Mr. Cranston? There’s also no reason I can see why they’re trying to get the man’s attention. They, and then there’s a “Well, I guess that didn’t work” moment and he turns around and goes home. About to have an asthma attack and the last couple of lines almost make it sound like he’s shrugging it off. Perhaps something like, “A block home suddenly seemed too far to walk” might add more of a sense of urgency.
Just throw a rock at that Cranston fellow!
LikeLike